I Tested a Hands-Off Parenting Approach — Here’s What I Discovered About My Motherhood Mistakes

In her weekly column, Genevieve Roberts delves into the pressing concerns and parenting challenges she faces while bringing up her trio of kids – comprising two girls and one boy. Outnumbered .

I often go back to certain books for guidance on both parenting and life in general. One such recent addition is science journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer’s latest work. G'day, Harsh World! Evidence-Backed Techniques for Nurturing Awesome Children in Anxious Eras, set to be released next week, this manual is expected to become heavily used and referred to frequently.

Wenner Moyer has gathered and examined numerous studies to determine the most effective ways for parents to raise their children. support children , and the responses are comforting.

Wenner Moyer shares this insight: "We're continually inundated with messages insisting that we must achieve absolute perfection. Our dialogues should supposedly be flawless, employing precise vocabulary and an appropriate manner of speaking. However, what struck me is that the overall perspective holds greater importance than meticulous specifics. Significant leeway exists—making mistakes is perfectly acceptable."

The top three key takeaways are Hello, Cruel World! should focus on listening more than lecturing (and provide explanations when introducing rules); offering comfort rather than criticism; and preparing them more than shielding them.

Don’t lecture – listen

I consider myself a fairly good listener; however, becoming a parent has taught me that I tend to jump in with solutions too quickly. In reality, both my kids—and even my spouse and friends—often prefer just being listened to over receiving help. Now, whenever my older two children share an issue with me, I ask them, "What do you plan on doing about this?" This helps prevent my urge to offer advice right away.

Wenner Moyer clarifies: "It’s about engaging with genuine interest and respect, really tuning in as you listen." treating your child As someone whom you're eager to learn about and understand."

That night, when my eight-year-old daughter Astrid carries her dinner and accidentally drops some of it, she seems extremely upset with herself. I promptly comfort her by saying, "Don't worry; everyone spills things occasionally."

“She retorts angrily, ‘I always spill,’.”

I acknowledge that I haven't been attentive at all. Even though I'm not lecturing, something small for me could be significant for her. My urge to make her feel better has taken over, instead of truly hearing out her concerns, I end up downplaying them.

"By paying attention to what our children have to say, we can enhance our bond with them and encourage them to be more attentive to our viewpoints," Wenner Moyer suggests. "Experts suggest that showing appreciation for their opinions is an intriguing method to foster openness and reduce polarization. When we listen to others, it makes them feel secure, and feeling protected allows us to consider different angles of thought more readily. This willingness to embrace intellectual humility increases as a result." I am determined to improve my ability to listen effectively.

Pose questions – however, choose them carefully

The queries directed towards children can mold their perception of the world, according to Wenner Moyer. When kids come home and we inquire 'How did your math exam go?', we're essentially conveying that their mathematics score is the key aspect of their day. However, if we pose questions like 'What fascinating things did you discover today?' or 'Was there someone special you were particularly nice to at school?', then we underscore learning and compassion over academic performance.

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Open-ended questions also make great icebreakers. Wenner Moyer once posed these queries to her kids, aged 14 and 10: "Have you ever come across the concept of racism?", "Are you familiar with what fentanyl is?" (she resides in the US), and "How much do you understand about artificial intelligence?"

Comfort and validate feelings

The second message from Hello, Cruel World! The aim is to offer solace and acknowledge emotions rather than scold. "Many believe that allowing children to experience their emotions and discussing those feelings might weaken their resilience," she explains. "However, research indicates quite the contrary: by validating these sentiments and engaging in conversations around them, we assist our children in cultivating emotional management abilities which equip them better for facing challenging situations."

I reckon lots of mum and dad types feel like they dedicate massive chunks of time confirming stuff for their kids. children’s feelings . I follow her advice to focus on where in their bodies they feel emotions. Astrid tells me she feels worry in her stomach; Xavi feels frustration and anger “everywhere”. Wenner Moyer recommends asking specific questions, like: “Do your shoulders feel tight?” “Do you feel anything in your stomach?”

Prepare more than protect

The third point emphasizes preparing rather than protecting. "In some cases, doing less can be better," she says. "Often, when we try to protect too much, we overlook that the most effective way for growth is to take a step back and allow them to make mistakes, experience disappointment, frustration, or discomfort."

It's crucial for me to take a step back with my strongly self-reliant little one, Juno, who is two years old. While I'm thrilled about this independence, there are times when I'm pressed for time and she adamantly insists on getting onto her bicycle or strapping herself into her car seat all by herself. During these moments, I feel frustrated and wish we could move through the routine more quickly.

Wenner Moyer has incorporated findings indicating that parents from Western backgrounds often find themselves with such limited free time that they end up doing tasks themselves just to speed things along. This practice can undermine children’s confidence As they perceive themselves as less competent, particularly with household chores, this attitude will likely persist into their later years, reducing their inclination to assist.

I notice how much confidence Astrid gains from handling tasks at our nearby store independently, which has inspired me to actively foster the children's self-reliance. However, I also ensure they know they have support whenever needed. This makes me reflect on knowing when to step back and when to intervene. "The timing varies depending on both the child and circumstances," explains Wenner Moyer. "For instance, allowing my kids to walk home from school may be fine where we live now, yet in different areas, this could pose risks."

Make an effort to identify the source of your fear. Is it due to physical danger, anxiety-driven concerns, or perhaps societal expectations – like how other parents prevent their children from doing certain things, suggesting you should too? In such cases, consider examining whether these social standards hold up under scrutiny.

It's excellent advice, and when the kids get the opportunity to manage a cake sale outside the store on a Saturday, we readily agree.

Allow kids the opportunity to take control.

Each time I head back home with Juno for some milk, I let the kids take over. They embrace the responsibility and turn into excellent sellers, even approaching customers relaxing in the sunshine to see if they fancy having some cake. Astrid shares that this has been her most amazing day yet. It fills me with pride.

It’s going to take practice, but these messages feel crucial if we want our children to feel compassion towards themselves and other people. They come with an important warning: children will always copy what we do. “If we want our kids to have a particular strength or characteristic, modelling it yourself as a parent is hugely helpful,” Wenner Moyer tells me. “You really cannot teach your kids self-compassion unless you practice it yourself.”

Greetings, Harsh Reality! Evidence-Backed Techniques for Nurturing Excellent Children in Anxious Eras Melinda Wenner Moyer’s book, set for release by Headline on May 27, 2025, will be priced at £16.99.