When My Wife Scrolls Through Her Phone While I Talk, It's More Than Just Rude

I've been married for 23 years, and generally haven't had much to complain about — however, my daughter recently brought something to my attention that I just can't overlook anymore. Whenever I share stories or tales, she says my wife isn't actually listening to me.

Frequently, halfway through what I'm saying, she grabs her phone and begins mindlessly browsing—something I find incredibly impolite! When we're out for dinner with mutual friends, she tends to complete my sentences to hurry things along. Just the other day during a video call with our adult daughter, as soon as I began talking, she interrupted me. wife kept interrupting me , until my daughter became exasperated and said: "Mom, let Dad talk!"

I know it’s a minor thing but it makes me feel unheard and ignored. When I’ve tried to tell her before, she just laughs. What should I do?

Paul, age 53

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I'm surprised that you consider feeling unseen, rushed, and often overlooked as minor issues. To me, these seem quite significant.

It’s evident that you think it’s impolite when your spouse keeps scrolling during conversations, but did you realize this prior to discussing it with your daughter? Alternatively, had you simply overlooked how it affected you, brushing aside these feelings to keep marital grievances minimal?

Do you know why your wife acts this way when you’re talking? Does she feel she knows your every thought and feeling? Is she intolerant of you, or so enthusiastic to continue with a conversation that she speeds things up? Is part of the dynamic of your relationship a sense of her being given the lead role and you filling in the gaps?

It's very typical for individuals to long-term relationships That covers decades where one might doubt their partner’s choices. However, this tends to confine you within the boundaries of your past self and former thoughts, sticking rigidly to old habits with minimal room for emotions—apart from the frustration felt by both you and your daughter.

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Ask your wife why she doesn’t listen to you. Explain that you find this upsetting. If you can, let her know what emotions you feel: do you feel belittled, disregarded, unimportant? Does she feel like she’s heard it all before? Is she conscious that if you’re in company, your friends – or hers – might be hearing your anecdote for the first time? Why do they need rushing? Does she find your stories and anecdotes uninteresting? What does she find interesting about being with you?

Are these tales so well-worn and familiar to her that they have truly been shared with her numerous times? When she wants input from various individuals, do your own anecdotes take over the discussion? Is it possible that due to spending considerable time together, she now desires interaction with more people?

Listen to what your wife tells you. I’d recommend that you take the time to reflect back what she is saying, rather than leap to reply, so she feels really heard and so that you can check that you’re not misunderstanding her. If you model this, it will encourage her to follow and reflect back what you’ve said to her. Her behaviour might be borne out of her own frustrations so I’d encourage you to ask if there are things she’s been finding hard, too.

I hear you about scrolling. I find it so strange that people who scroll while listening tend to do it to those they are closest to, as if they know them so well that it doesn’t matter. It’s a huge disconnector and kills the intimacy of important relationships – and if you can afford to give a stranger your attention you can certainly afford to give it to someone you love.

Why not suggest that she refrains from scrolling when you're in the middle of a conversation? It’s a perfectly valid thing to ask for, and I'd support bringing up what you need. She may do some of these actions without even realizing it. You could be happily surprised to discover how simple it might be for her to adjust once you point out what you’ve noticed.

Have you ever found yourself hesitant to express grievances, challenges, and demands over the course of your life? Frequently, our current relational dynamics stem more from our history rather than our immediate reality. Perhaps you were the baby of the family, the quiet one, or perhaps you always went along with others. Maybe it was an unpredictable setting where staying silent was safer? Reflecting on those times when you learned to stay mum—how did that experience affect you emotionally?

Consider taking some time to reflect on any additional requests you might have for your wife—then, discuss together and see if there are any requests she could have for you as well. communicate openly , you might reflect on what qualities you find positive in each other. What aspects do you value? Is there anything specific you wish to see more often? Do you have ideas about activities that could help you feel closer, more lighthearted, or more emotionally intimate? How does each of you envision the growth of your relationship, and what aspirations do you have beyond your partnership?

I trust this could mark the beginning of a fresh chapter in your marriage, where both you and your spouse truly hear each other out without downplaying either person’s emotions and requirements. Instead, focus on expressing these openly. Effective listening plays a crucial role in maintaining good communication and building a solid bond between you two.

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